Tantrums are a normal part of childhood, but when they become frequent, intense, or controlling, parents often feel helpless.
What most parents don’t realize is that many everyday reactions unintentionally reward tantrums, strengthening the behaviour.
Let’s break down the 10 most common accidental reinforcements—and what to do instead.
- Giving in just to stop the crying
When parents hand over a toy, snack, or screen to “just stop the noise,” the child learns a poIrful formula:
Tantrum = Success.
The behaviour gets wired deeper.
What to do instead:
Stay firm and calm. Offer limited choices. Hold the boundary consistently.
- Negotiating during the meltdown
Parents try to reason, explain, and “talk the child out of it.”
But when a child is dysregulated, reasoning doesn’t work.
What to do instead:
Step back. Allow the child to calm.
Teach only after regulation returns.
- Using screens as a quick-fix
If a meltdown is solved with a phone, the child will repeat the meltdown to earn screen time.
What to do instead:
Screens should follow routine, not tantrums.
Use calming strategies, not digital pacifiers.
- Over-talking or over-explaining
A tantrum is a body-based reaction, not a logical problem.
Too much talking overstimulates.
What to do instead:
Reduce verbal load.
Use short phrases: “Calm first. Then talk.”
- Reacting emotionally — shouting, scolding, threatening
For children, any attention during a tantrum—positive or negative—is still attention.
What to do instead:
Maintain a neutral face and steady tone.
Respond, don’t react.
- Comforting a demand-based tantrum
Some tantrums are meltdowns (child is overwhelmed).
Others are manipulative (child is testing control).
Comforting during demand tantrums reinforces the behaviour.
What to do instead:
Identify the type of tantrum.
Offer comfort only for emotional overload, not for demands.
- Breaking routines because the child is crying
Predictability loIrs anxiety and tantrums.
Inconsistent responses increase them.
What to do instead:
Stick to routines even on difficult days.
Routines provide safety for the brain.
- Offering bribes
“Stop crying, I’ll give you chocolate.”
This sends the message:
Tantrum → Reward → Repeat.
What to do instead:
Reward desired behaviour.
Never use rewards to stop unwanted behaviour.
- Rescuing too fast
Parents often jump in immediately to help, preventing the child from experiencing manageable frustration.
What to do instead:
Give space. Teach coping tools: deep breaths, counting, sensory breaks.
- Ignoring calm behaviour
Children often receive more attention when they are loud, not when they’re regulated.
What to do instead:
Praise calmness immediately:
“You calmed your body—great job!”
“You used words—I’m proud of you.”
Positive reinforcement builds emotional regulation faster.
